Lessons From My Year of Receiving
Three years can fly by unless you are being broken! Then it can seem like a Lifetime movie with all of the bad actors and too many commercials. At least that is what those last few years felt like for me. I became a professional at doer, giver and be-er for what everyone else needed. Truthfully if I had my S.A.G. card I would have gotten a few awards for this performance. In my fictitious realm of reality, I was good at performing and blurred so many lines to masked what I wanted, and desperately needed. It was easier to make the celebration of love my business rather than celebrate love in my life. This isn’t one of those “woe is me blogs” but more of a sharing of shit that I learned from my year of receiving.
It was somewhere in December 2014 that I sat knee deep in tears, fears and prayer, asking why me, when me and then I said “I want to know what it feels like to receive the love that I give” Cue theatrical music but wait there were no theatrics at all, just me getting up, cleaning my face and returning to the business of doing, giving and being as usual.
Slowly but surely my world was shattering, breaking, colliding, crashing hell you pick a word and insert it here ________. When I tell you that ALL hell began breaking lose in my life and there was nothing that I could do about it. Finances broken, budget broken, five-day notices broken, cancel Christmas broken, heart-broken, spirit broken, cup empty broken, nothing left to give broken. For those that I’m friends with on social media who read my posts and thought that I was pouring into them, the majority of those post were for me! I desperately needed to encourage me because after all, who does the encourager go to when they need encouraging? My friends were right there the entire time that I was struggling trying to make ends meet, save face, look good for the gram etc. While each day I cracked a little bit, taking my share of ‘L’s”, loving and losing, lost ships, ambition even drive until there was nothing left. But how many of you know that every loss is not a loss?
Lesson Learned: Sometimes we can’t move forward in our assigned direction with people, places and things that we’re trying to drag with us. Some things must be altered, lost, let go of, dismissed and or detached before we can see who we are truly destined to be.
With nothing left but me, my empty cup and I, WE collectively decided to say no to anything that didn’t serve, pour into, feed or fuel us in some way. This lesson came with a tagline SELFish! It was a moment where it became less about others and more about me. Unheard of, right? Because I’m a giver it was difficult for me to think about what I wanted and or needed. I was the girl that ALWAYS found a way or made one. I was the one who had it all twogether until I could no longer keep it twogether.
I needed this, the breaking that was occurring in my life demanded this. The people who showed up in my life to refill my cup were amazing. Friends, family, people that I didn’t even know that I somehow poured into showed up and really showed out. It was truly the year of the most unexpected random, on time, calculated, supportive, loving WOW moments of LOVE, encouraging words, texts, face to face, and instant messages of how my words have inspired or encouraged them. It was blank checks, people showing up, paying parking tickets, random drive by’s, wine downs, well-being check-ups and deposits poured into this empty cup. This time in my life showed me what receiving was all about.
LESSON LEARNED: You will never fully understand the power of giving LOVE until you become vulnerable enough to receive it!
My let go was December of 2017, I was standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine, deep in thought when life was moving in picturesque lightning speed. I told myself “I believe that love silently commands your absolute best. It gives and gives even when there is nothing left. Without question love is stronger than pride. I’m guilty of missing that memo and for a moment I too was deficient, empty and starving inside. In that moment I realized that I am absolutely worth it! NO, I won’t settle, I won’t pretend, nope, not even a little bit. I will no longer hide all that I am. This is not about a new year, new me. It was the beginning of my acceptance that yes, it’s a new year and you’re going to get all of me! The sometimes silly, yes, I think I’m funny, but you can bet your sweet ass when it comes to Making Love Better TwoGether I am a beast, and the I am not my hair but still adjusting, me. The I am, I need, I Give and I receive and yes, I want love and to be loved, me!
Not even a week later I get a text. It read “Happy early Merry Christmas” It was from this dude that I met through a mutual friend last year that was cool as hell. WE vibed and he fed me fried pickles. (I had never had them before) I had heard of my best friend’s, best friend but we had never met. Almost a year later I get this random text. We’ve been dating since. He had to have the talk with his best friend before I would tell my best friends about this guy that I’m dating.
This experience has been everything that I knew that love could be but didn’t think that I would fully experience again. It’s easy, raw, honest, effortless and even random conversations. It’s me letting go, trusting because he’s shown me that I can. He sees me, flaws, insecurities, vulnerabilities, bad ass, black woman magic and all. It is refreshing and feels all kinds of good. It made me question what in the hell had I been doing before this. My answer was preparing for this. About five years ago, I prayed for this (To know what it felt like to receive the love that I give) What I didn’t know was that God had to break me, tear down a few walls and bring me to a place where all I could do was receive which then opened the door for me to appreciate this man who’s just good! Good to me, good for me, good with me and good because of me. LESSON LEARNED Sometimes the very thing that you asked God for requires him to move, break, strip you from in order to prepare you for the very thing that you asked for. He has to make sure that you as well as the people, places and things are also ready! This was probably some of the hardest work that I’ve done on myself but it has been worth it!
These are just a few of my lessons learned in my year of receiving.
- Everyone doesn’t deserve your magic. But don’t let that stop you from being magical!
- LOVE doesn’t ask for perfection, LOVE just asks that we show up, give love, be open to love, be present in the love, make an effort to match our mates effort in love and be consistent in giving love, because somewhere in between the love, with the love and for the love we learn to love by fearing less and loving more.
- You absolutely deserve someone who’s all in.
- We have to stop bending over backwards, giving, doing and being for those that won’t even bend a finger, give, do or be for us.
- Me fully loving others has everything to do with me loving me completely.
- If you want be loved like you’ve never been hurt, you have to be willing to love like you’ve never been hurt.
- Create space for the things that you say that you want! Dream job, Love, Partner, Passion, Purpose, etc. It can’t find you if there’s no room to find you!
What lessons have you learned about you this past year?
Please share or leave a comment.
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